I once had a nurse ask me “what will you do if your child falls over with you being sick and all?” And I looked at her right in the eye and replied “I’ll pick him up, that’s what mummy’s do.” You see it isn’t a discussion to me. Yes I’m in blinding pain most of the time, but it’s believable that a mother will lift a burning car off her child but pain will stop me? The pain I feel when I look at my child cry is priority. Simple as that. Does it make me heave and feel dizzy because of the pain I get from lifting him? Yes. Do I pretend to smile so he feels comforted? Absolutely.
My pain manifested when I was 9 weeks pregnant, Gigi is now 3 and it’s only worse, I’ve never known a average, pain free motherhood. So I’ve adapted and we do things a little differently in my small family. I am rarely on my own with my son for more than a few hours. I need help and it’s not very fun for him to just sit on the sofa and chat. I can’t exactly get down on the floor and play Dino’s so we can be quite limited, especially if it’s a day where I can’t walk. We can’t go to the park, we can’t pop to the shops, we can’t play tag in the garden. Now I know this sounds pretty moany and that I’m saying I can’t do anything, but it’s really not. For What I’ve lost in the last 3 years of him being here I’ve gained double. Having a sick mummy has turned my boy into a extra caring, thoughtful and helpful guy. He never complains or moans and really does “get it” when I say “mummy’s legs are extra bad today”. He constantly kisses my legs and says “I’m kissing your legs better mummy” and they honestly work better than any doctor given medicine.
For every sad point, we have a happy point. I am so very blessed. It’s taken me years to have this mind set but we really are. I’ve had a lot of help recently to try and find the light in the dark. I am naturally curmudgeonly and British, so finding happiness in a dier situation isn’t my forte for sure. Pain is only amplified by stress and a negative mood, and I need help lowering my pain level so controlling my stress has really helped me. It’s also helped me be a happier person in general. So seeing the happiness in my family, seeing how many people love and help me has been a complete eye opener.
Watching your child grow from the sidelines can painful sometimes, I wish I could be one of those hands on mummy’s with 2under2. One baby on my hip and on my hand but that’s not the hand that fate has dealt me. I get to see my boy grow and that’s a blessing in it self. We get to give him a stable and Loving home where he can tell us anything and we will do anything we can to help. We’ve done all we can to give him the best head start in life and when he’s older he won’t remember that mummy couldn’t chase him around soft play, he’ll remember that he was loved. I know that’s a huge concern for other mummy’s with chronic conditions. That their child will have sad memories involving hospitals, wheelchairs and mummy not joining in. But I know now that Gigi doesn’t think of me as a sick person, he thinks of me as hiS mummy and that’s the best thing in the whole world.
I felt so much shame for the longest time at being a mummy in a chair. I felt like I was letting him down and I kept having nightmares about dropping him off at school and him being embarrassed of me. That children would bully him for having a disabled mummy and that terrified me. My husband told me something that stuck with me, he told me that as long as we raise him right he won’t care what they say, he will be proud that I’m his mummy and won’t hear what they say, so what if they say something? He knows better and that’s what matters.
Im not saying it’s something that’s come naturally to me. Being optimistic about it, but adapting to what we have is what we mums are best at. How many of us can make a banquet with what’s left in the back of the fridge?and how many of us can make a song up or story right on the spot? We know how to fake it. And no matter what we have to do to get by. We are all super mums.